


I'll be your gravity, you be my oxygen

by CapriSunyoul



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 11:39:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14893932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriSunyoul/pseuds/CapriSunyoul
Summary: To tell someone your worries, you need to be able to deal with them.Title: Follow You- Bring Me the Horizon





	I'll be your gravity, you be my oxygen

 

Jeonghan doesn't know what he's going to do. He's barely touched the drink in his hand, and the music here isn't helping his headache.

 

On top of an already stressful day, Jeonghan, having covered two shifts with a massive headache, came back to see his roommate was gone, along with most of the appliances Jeonghan owned.  His roommate of only a few months, wasn't actually paying his share of their rent. Their landlord posted the eviction notice sometime after he left. Jeonghan doesn’t drink, but sitting in his car with all of his shit packed and thrown in the backseat, made him really want too. He was tired, and just wanted to pretend this didn’t happen. When his phone lit up with his friend Vernon's name, telling him to _come to this party at Josh's_ , he started his car without a second thought.

 

It's his first time here, and the place is nice. The apartment is in a good part of the city-way out of Jeonghan’s price range. He takes another sip of his drink, frowning at the burning in his throat. The other people sitting on this couch are too loud. Sweaty bodies being pressed too tight against his sides, but his mind and gaze are elsewhere.

 

Joshua Hong is someone Jeonghan never really bothered to know more about. They went to the same highschool, have some mutual acquaintances. The two have never been friends and belong to different groups who just happen to cross paths alot, but that's about it. Jeonghan came here without any thoughts on what Joshua's place would look like. He’s never had any thoughts about Joshua, up until now he means. Currently, Joshua is all he's thinking about.

 

There's not much he knows about Joshua, despite having been in the same room as him numerous times. Vernon is their only mutual friend, and even that doesn't give him much surface knowledge of the other. Before, all he knew was that Joshua is kind to everyone and got really good grades. Now, Jeonghan knows that Joshua lives in a rich area, knows _a lot_ of people and..sounds incredibly boring, if Jeonghan's being honest. There are many others in this room just like Joshua. What peaked his interest about Joshua in the first place though, is how this party is his, yet he hasn't actually been around since Jeonghan got here.

 

He only found out where Joshua was hiding because someone moved the curtains to the balcony doors a bit and Jeonghan caught glimpse of the boy. He's been smoking cigarettes and drinking alone out there for the past two hours Jeonghan's been watching him. Jeonghan hasn't been able to look away. A smoker wasn't on the list of surface knowledge he’s acquired over the years. Neither was that look in Joshua's eyes-that he’s capable of showing this kind of look. It's strange to assume someone he doesn't even know wouldn't be able to feel certain emotions like anyone else, but Joshua's expression feels wrong on his face.

 

It's strange, seeing someone who has everything, isolate themselves and have on a look of absolute dread. He looks like everything Jeonghan's pretending not to feel.

Jeonghan’s mind is a mess. He doesn't want to think anymore. He needs a distraction. His feet move on their own accord, warm bodies brushing against his as he makes his way through the crowd. The heat off their bodies doesn’t appeal to him. He stands before the curtain, wondering if he should do this. He’s spent way too long staring at Joshua not to do anything and he has to settle his own curiosity.

 

Jeonghan's hand is at the doors handle, sliding it open. The warm air feels cool hitting his skin. Joshua's shoulders tense for a second before he relaxes. Jeonghan keeps his gaze to the floor, closing the door. The curtain fell back into place and somehow, even though he can still hear the music and people inside, Jeonghan feels like he's entered a different world.  It's not awkward-for him at least. Which is surprising, but he’s grateful. He leans over the metal railing, keeping a safe distance between them. Joshua hasn't bothered to acknowledge his presence, Jeonghan’s fine with this, unsure of what he’d even say if Joshua did. He doesn’t even know if Joshua knows his name.

 

The street looks small from up here and the people and cars are practically ants. The wind picks up and it smells like it's going to rain. It feels nice here, even if he doesn't like being this high up. Joshua moves in the corner of his eye. Jeonghan dares to spare a glance at Joshua, finding the other not looking at him but back at the doors. His elbows behind him, leaning against the railing. Joshua doesn't really look as rich as he apparently is. His hair is messy, falling somewhat over his eyes. His clothes are casual and well worn. Joshua's sort of pretty, now that he’s this close to look. His body is relaxed, obviously more calm than Jeonghan because it's his home. Jeonghan's gaze travels lower, the cigarette is barely burned, and looks strange between Joshua's fingers.

 

“You do that often?”

 

His curiosity rears it's irritating head before his brain can even bother with a simple greeting.  Joshua looks caught off guard, turning to look at him. He regrets speaking as Joshua raises a brow at him. Joshua glances down at his hand and that look reappears on his face as he shrugs once.

 

“Trying to quit.”

 

Joshua smiles but it doesn't meet his eyes. He brings the cigarette to his lips, taking a long drag.

 

“Shit can kill apparently.”

 

Smoke exhales with a semi-chuckle and Jeonghan laughs once, nodding. He remembers Joshua was really smart back in school, so he can’t help but  wonder why Joshua thinks smoking is a good idea.

 

“What about you?”

 

Joshua motions to the drink in Jeonghan's hand. His eyes widen a bit, taken aback that Joshua wants to continue talking. He glances down at his drink, ears feeling warm. He knew he was holding it in a way that made it obvious he doesn't do this.

 

“Not really.”

 

His stomach flips the longer Joshua stares at him.

 

“What's the occasion?”

 

Another drag and then smoke is being blown away from Jeonghan. Joshua's voice is too soft and kind, unmatching the dark expression on his face. Jeonghan shrugs, leaning more on the balcony.

 

“Just felt like it.”

 

He leans his head down, the bottle no longer cold as he presses it to his forehead.

 

“You okay..?”

 

The concern in Joshua's voice makes him look away. The alcohol is kind of hitting him now and with his emotional state, being alone with someone showing an ounce of kindness will bring nothing but misfortune to him. He closes his eyes, trying not to groan at the pounding in his temples.

 

“My head hurts.”

 

He answers truthfully for reasons he doesn't know. Joshua's smoke probably isn't helping his headache, but at this point he's given up on nursing it.  Joshua's body is closer than before and Jeonghan wishes the other would move away. He opens his eyes, standing up some.

 

“So go home, this isn't a good place to be.”

 

He smiles. _No home to go to_ , is what he wants to say. Joshua looks at him funny, lips quirked up in a confused smirk.

 

“Can’t.”

 

Jeonghan feels his cheeks burn. Those eyes of his make it seem like they're seeing right through him.  Joshua doesn't pester, only moves to stand like Jeonghan, body now facing the rest of the world. The two stay like that for a few minutes, eyes glued to the cityscape.

 

“I can’t sleep alone.”

 

He throws out, hand at the back of his neck. It's embarrassing, the shit that comes out of his mouth. Joshua hums, holding the cigarette in his mouth. His body leans more against the balcony. It's too warm and the smoke stinks. Jeonghan doesn't want to leave. Joshua seems okay with the company.

 

“Find anyone yet?”

 

Voice soft but no longer kind, more disinterested if anything, Joshua stands back up.

 

“Yeah, that's why I'm out here.”

 

Jeonghan laughs bitterly. He didn't even look before coming out here, too busy watching him. He wants to complain about this, but Joshua's silence makes him curl into himself. Jeonghan feels eyes burning into his face. He realizes now that he should've just said no, not something that indicates he means he picked Joshua. He has to clarify what he really meant. The words are climbing up his throat but they can't get out. He isn't even sure if he wants to say anything in the first place, Joshua doesn’t seem that bad to spend the night with. Jeonghan wishes he could've seen Joshua's face when he said it.

 

That is most definitely his drink talking.

 

“Did you drive?”

 

Joshua puts a stop to the mental breakdown Jeonghan was about to go through. He looks at Joshua, nodding once. Joshua's eyes glance down at his drink. He brings the cigarette to his lips one more time before he flicks it off the balcony.

 

“You can sleep here tonight.”

 

The smoke accidentally gets blown somewhat in Jeonghan's face as Joshua turns to leave. The doors get open and Joshua's greeted with cheers and choruses of _where you been._ Jeonghan can't be sure, but he has this feeling Joshua wants him to follow.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

He doesn’t know why the universe is suddenly working in his favor, but Jeonghan finds himself alone with Joshua, in Joshua's bedroom.

 

It's different than the rest of the apartment. Out there, everything is modern, clean looking and filled with only the warmth that's given off of the people polluting the place. Joshua's room is warm without people. The lighting is more orange, the floor is a dark wood compared to the marble tile outside. He has posters of bands-Jeonghan is assuming, on his walls in an organized messy way. The rug in the center of the room is soft looking, and the desk he has is messy and filled with personal items, just like the bookcases on the opposite wall. Jeonghan feels like not many people see this room.

 

“Lie down, if you want.”

 

Joshua's voice is behind him, he’s stayed by the door, allowing Jeonghan to walk more into the room. Joshua's bed is big, placed in the center of the room, aligned with the one big factory window in here. The bed looks like it's floating, frame hidden by the white covers that are calling to Jeonghan. He decides to take Joshua's offer and make himself comfortable. He slides off his shoes and plops down on the bed, instantly regretting treating it like any other bed. The sheets don't look like much but they feel expensive. Jeonghan sits up straight, mind free of the worries he had. His shirt is sticking to his back and he ignores his thoughts prior to coming here. He wants to see what Joshua will do, see if he should try his luck.

 

“I hate this shirt-help.”

 

He pouts, letting out an exaggerated sigh. It's always a hassle to take off, there's a zipper in the back for design purposes Jeonghan doesn't really get. He just wants it off and the small smile Joshua gives him makes his throat close. He barely gets one arm out before Joshua is standing in front of him, hands pulling the fabric completely off of Jeonghan. Joshua's hands fold the shirt over his arm and the quick glance at his body might be unintentional but it still makes Jeonghan's face redden. He has his answer, and he isn't sure how he feels about it, but he really doesn't want to sleep in his car tonight.

 

Jeonghan feels warm but his skin is covered in goosebumps from the sudden temperature change. Joshua cocks his head, silently asking why Jeonghan's arms are hugging his body.

 

“I'm cold now.”

 

He laughs off his nervousness and Joshua wants to tell him to grab the covers, but Jeonghan's eyes are on Joshua's shirt.

 

“It smells like cigarettes.”

 

Joshua warns, understanding what the other is wanting fast. His words make Jeonghan's eyes widen, confirming his thoughts were correct. A playful smile graces Jeonghan’s lips as he shakes his head.

 

“Don't care, it looks comfy.”

 

Jeonghan holds out his hands and Joshua gives in. He sets down Jeonghan's shirt on the bed before taking off his own. Jeonghan hugs the shirt to his chest like Joshua will take it away from him. He smiles in victory but doesn't put it on, he just stares up at Joshua.  

 

“Do your friends know you smoke?”

 

The tone in Jeonghan's voice makes Joshua want to laugh. It's playful, no doubt, but he's caught off guard by the curious look in Jeonghan's eyes. Jeonghan gets that look alot, Joshua's not a stranger to his facial expressions. On the few occasions he's been in the same room as Jeonghan, his gaze has just found itself on the other. Whether out of attraction or not, Jeonghan's just someone Joshua has found interesting to watch. His interest was never enough to talk to him first though. He stuffs his hands in his front pockets, tempted to take another cigarette out but knowing he’d have to leave if he does.

 

“Not really hiding it, but no.”

 

He doesn't mean to but his gaze traces over Jeonghan's torso, just for a second. Jeonghan clearly saw, and how quickly Joshua looks away gives the glance meaning he doesn't mean for Jeonghan to give it. Jeonghan's smile grows and Joshua feels his face warm.

 

“What's that smile for?”

 

Joshua stares down at him, quickly composing himself as if he were annoyed and Jeonghan laughs.

 

“I like knowing things other people don't.”

 

His laughter makes Joshua glance at his lips, immediately looking away again.  He doesn't like this situation, the mood changing much faster than he can keep up with. He feels like prey despite being the one staring down at Jeonghan. This is bad, Jeonghan knows he's going to ruin this the second he opens his mouth.

 

“Do they know you like guys?”

 

The words ring out in Joshua's ears. He isn't exactly hiding that either, it just hasn't come up and none of his friends ask about that stuff. He shakes his head no, hesitant to see Jeonghan's reaction.

 

“Curiouser and curiouser.”

 

Jeonghan's laughter is breathy, face flushed. Smoker and into guys. The information makes his stomach flip. Joshua shifts his weight, Jeonghan's laughter dies down.

 

“What's the point of having friends if you can't even be yourself with them?”

 

That damn bluntness Jeonghan has easily gets on Joshua's nerves. He knows Jeonghan is only harmlessly being curious about him, but he wishes the sobriety levels between them were a bit higher. Then again, a conversation between them wouldn't have been able to get this far if he was sober too.

 

“I am myself, just not all of myself.”

 

Joshua shrugs and the immediate scowl on Jeonghan's face is cute. His friends are nice, it's all on him why he chooses to have walls up.

 

“That’s stupid, why do you do that?”

 

Jeonghan's staring at the floor now, his feet pressing into the rug. He frowns, scolding himself for saying these things to Joshua like he isn't the same. Joshua runs a hand through his hair, unable to stand the pout on Jeonghan's lips.

 

“You talk a lot.”

 

He almost whispers it. Jeonghan looks up at him then, eyes dark and a small smile on his face. He didn't mean it as anything bad, but it probably came off as an insult.

 

“Shut me up then.”

 

Or not. Joshua wasn't expecting that kind of response, but then again he doesn't know Jeonghan well. After giving this some thought, Joshua concludes he set this all up. He let Jeonghan stay near him outside, talked with him, didn't acknowledge the obvious misunderstanding Jeonghan's words from before had. Then Joshua isolated them from the rest of the party, bringing Jeonghan into his room. His room that no one else-not even the housekeepers are allowed in. Joshua's done nothing but fuel indications of them sleeping together.

 

Nothing has to happen, they both know this. Even as Jeonghan's hands are at either side of Joshua's hips, pulling him closer, they both know they can stop at any moment.

 

“Jeonghan, how much did you drink?”

 

He asks quietly, hands resting on top of Jeonghan's, stopping him from unbuttoning his pants. Jeonghan looks up at him then, his stare making Joshua's mouth part slightly. Jeonghan likes Joshua knowing his name. He stands, Joshua’s hands falling off of him.

 

“Just the one you saw.”

 

Hands are at Joshua’s chest, pushing him down onto the bed. Jeonghan's body is on top of his, hips lowering themselves down on Joshua's thighs. They can stop at any time, but does he want them to? Joshua doesn't know, hands already at Jeonghan's waist. His skin feels cold, face flushed. Jeonghan's hair falls over his eyes and Joshua briefly remembers when it would fall past his shoulders.

 

“Have you always been this warm?”

 

Jeonghan asks. Hands smoothing over Joshua’s chest. His breathing is noticeable but maybe only to him. Joshua can't meet Jeonghan's gaze. He lets his head press into his mattress, nails digging into Jeonghan's hips, feeling them move forward.

 

“Kind of.”

 

He's been told this once or twice before by friends, but never in this context. His face warms, Jeonghan's hips move again, a small moan leaving his lips. Joshua wants to touch him more-hear those moans more. Their eyes meet and the sound leaves the room. His body feels like it's burning under Jeonghan's palms. Joshua bites down on his lip, wondering if Jeonghan's serious about doing more.

 

Jeonghan wonders if he's done something wrong the second he feels Joshua's hands leave him. He never did ask if this was okay, but Joshua's hips were bucking up in time with his. Jeonghan wants to get off of him, but he can't move. Their breathing is loud and the muffled laughter and music outside of Joshua's door brings them back to reality for a few seconds. He opens his mouth to say something-anything just to break their silence. His hands leave Joshua's chest, sliding down his torso. Joshua's eyes are dark, and Jeonghan can only look at him. Even as Joshua's hand is under his thigh, and then his back is being pressed against the sheets, he can’t look away.  

 

His legs spread, thighs wrapping around Joshua's waist. It's strange to Jeonghan, how comfortable he feels being with Joshua like this. He wraps his arms around Joshua's neck.  He's almost positive Joshua would let him stay the whole night even if they don't sleep with each other, it just seems like something he'd allow. But, Joshua is so warm, body strong above his. He felt nice being on top of him, and he feels the same like this this too. Jeonghan's eyes close, feeling Joshua's breath on his lips.

 

Part of him wants Joshua to kiss him. The other part is glad Joshua's lips are at his neck instead. He caught the hesitant look that crossed Joshua's eyes, and he's okay with it. He won't beg to be kissed, even if Joshua's lips at his skin makes him feel otherwise. Kissing isn't something he craves often, feeling that it's more intimate when all he's wanting is a quick release and another's warmth to keep him company while he sleeps. Jeonghan really wouldn't mind if Joshua wanted to. But, he's more than fine feeling Joshua's teeth at his collar bone, tongue dragging along his skin before pressing almost lazy but calculated kisses to his skin. Jeonghan's back arches, feeling Joshua's hips press down into his.

 

His hands push at Joshua's shoulders, and the other gives into what he’s wanting. Lips drag down his chest, tickling at his stomach. His body is reacting more than normal and Jeonghan doesn't want to think why. He tries to picture no one in particular, focusing in on the sensations of lips against his skin. Warm hands keep his legs apart, he listens to his quiet moans. It's hard, trying to ignore who he's doing this with. Joshua's scent is all around him, body so warm against his. It's suffocating in all the best ways. Jeonghan can only breathe him in, and he isn't scared by how much he likes this.

 

He wonders if Joshua is feeling the same, or if this is just a mindless fuck to him.

 

“Can I touch you?”  

 

Joshua's voice is rough against his skin. Body hovering above his, hand at his jean buttons. Jeonghan's _yes_ gets caught in a whimper, body arching up into Joshua's. He thinks he hears Joshua laugh, but he can't be sure, mind hazy as Joshua palms him through his jeans. He pulls Joshua back down, just close enough to feel the heat coming off of his skin. It doesn't take long to feel Joshua's hand around his cock.

 

His strokes are slow, with the right amount of pressure Jeonghan likes. Joshua is listening to his body, watching his reactions. His face is warm, aware of Joshua's gaze on him. He gets lost in the feeling of Joshua's hand. Jeonghan has the fleeting thought of wanting to make Joshua feel good too. He can't move his body, absorbed in being taken care of. His day was shit, he just wants to cum. He doesn't care if he's coming off as probably the laziest lay Joshua has ever had. Joshua's hand pauses and Jeonghan groans, breath hitching listening to Joshua unzip his pants. More warmth gets pressed against him. Joshua takes them both in his hand, pumping them slow. He doesn’t last much longer, his voice becomes louder, moans echoing in Joshua's ear.

 

The heat in his gut unwinds and Jeonghan's whole body feels like it's on fire. His nails scratch at Joshua's back, hearing his panting breaths above him. Joshua wants to see Jeonghan's face, knowing his mouth is hanging open, feeling Jeonghan’s body trembling under his. If he's this responsive from barely being touched, Joshua can only imagine what Jeonghan would sound like if they did more. He gets lost in these thoughts, letting Jeonghan's moans surround him, making them all he can hear.

 

Joshua's voice is quiet, burying his face in the crook of Jeonghan's neck. He bites down on his lip to muffle his own release painting over his fist. The two stay like that, calming down. Jeonghan has no will to let go of Joshua, thighs locked around his waist. He can feel Joshua's tongue against his neck, and his body is too sensitive for this. He's spent, unapologetic at how quick he came.

 

“Let go..”

 

Jeonghan does as he's told, letting his legs fall. He feels Joshua's hand around his dick still, placing him back in his boxers. He feels gross, but also too tired to care. His breathing is still rough, legs feeling weak. Jeonghan looks up at Joshua, expression similar to his. There's a hunger to Joshua's eyes and Jeonghan can’t speak. His arm covers his face, catching his breath. He lets Joshua pull his pants off for him, Jeonghan smiles, sitting up a bit. His smile lessens, watching Joshua's hands smooth over the newly revealed skin. He takes note of how Joshua looks right now. Body flushed and mouth parted open, with his gaze only on Jeonghan's body. Joshua's hands smooth over Jeonghan's thighs, eyes hooded. He looks pretty, with confident hands at Jeonghan's waist, fingers hooking around the waistband of his boxers.

 

There's faint steps outside the door and Jeonghan suddenly remembers where he is and who he's with. He feels like what they did just now is enough to let him stay for sure. Plus he isn't up for more anyway. Mind feeling more sober, he decides to put a stop to this. Jeonghan's confident, sitting up fully and holding Joshua's confused gaze.

 

“I don't want to do anything more than this.”

 

Hands remove themselves, and then Joshua is laying down beside him.

 

“Okay.”

 

He breathes out, not looking at Jeonghan. His mind is elsewhere, lungs craving to be filled with smoke. Jeonghan has on a worried expression and Joshua wonders what would happen if he pointed it out.

 

“You sure?”

 

Jeonghan asks, voice small and body already looking like he's going to run. He didn't expect Joshua to be that okay with it _that_ fast. His confidence at being in control disappears, seeing nothing but agreement in Joshua's eyes. He didn't show any anger or disgust towards Jeonghan. Joshua just nods, sparing him a glance.

 

“You can sleep here...if you still want to.”

 

His eyes glance down at Jeonghan's stomach. He should clean him up, but Jeonghan's fully capable of doing that himself. Joshua wonders if it'd be rude to help him or not. He just doesn't have the energy to care for another person right now. He feels like what they did was a mistake, as if something was ruined. Joshua closes his eyes. If he can't go out and smoke, he'd rather just sleep.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

Joshua doesn't know how he managed to fall asleep. The party, although muffled by his door, is still going on. It feels strange, being here with Jeonghan. Like they're the only ones here instead of however many people are in his apartment.  He woke up to his bed slightly dipping, his room now dark. Jeonghan pulls the covers over them. He's got on Joshua's shirt and Joshua's vision is still blurry when he shifts onto his side, facing Jeonghan.

 

“Night, Joshua.”

 

Jeonghan's voice is barely above a whisper, gaze not meeting his. The two lay side by side, a safe distance between them. The situations not uncomfortable, but foreign. Joshua never let's anyone sleep in his bed. He brushes off his thoughts of asking why this is suddenly okay, choosing to blame it on the state he's in. Jeonghan looks like he wants to say more. Joshua just wants to sleep. He nods, eyes already closing again, mind replaying the way Jeonghan said his name.  

 

“Goodnight, Jeonghan.”

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

When he wakes up, Jeonghan's alone in an unfamiliar bed. His mind is slow to wake up with his body, legs moving under the cold sheets. His vision is blurry, glancing around the room and remembering where he is. It feels different without music playing. Joshua's room is dark, warmth gone and Jeonghan takes a few minutes before he sits up. He looks behind himself at the window to see the curtains are closed. Everything is quiet, only sound being what he thinks is rain. A faint rumble of thunder is heard and Jeonghan doesn't need to look outside now. He sighs, hand smoothing down the back of his head. The sheets feel cold, he doesn't want to be in here anymore. His body needs warmth, so he seeks it out.

 

The apartment is dim and empty, save for a few strays that are passed out on the couch and floor. He's careful stepping around the trash scattered around, along with watching for limbs. Jeonghan doesn't know any of them, but he doesn't want to wake anyone up. He heads towards the balcony doors, already smelling the smoke before he sees Joshua. His bare back is to him, and Jeonghan notes the red lines he left. He swallows down his embarrassment, opening the doors.

 

“Thought you were quitting.”

 

His voice sounds kind of hoarse, getting lost within the rain. Joshua gives him a glance, laughing quietly as Jeonghan shuts the doors.

 

“Said I was trying.”

 

Joshua says nonchalantly. Jeonghan nods, standing next to him. He holds out his hand, the rain is warm. It's humid today and his headache isn't gone but it's tolerable even while breathing in Joshua's smoke. He should say something, hands pressing against the railing. He glances at Joshua, his hair is messy, brows furrowed and cigarette almost gone. Jeonghan wanders what could be going through Joshua's mind to put that expression on. Joshua turns to him then, and Jeonghan worries if the sudden eye contact shows on his face.

 

“Hey..”

 

Joshua's knuckles brush up against his arm, sending a tickling sensation to his gut. He pulls his hand away as soon as it made contact. Jeonghan glances at him, brow quirked. Joshua leans over more, soft voice hard to distinguish against the rain.

 

“Last night..was that weird?”

 

Jeonghan stares ahead, squinting somewhat to try and understand what he's been asked. He shakes his head no, feeling Joshua's eyes on him.

 

“I thought it was nice.”

 

Maybe that was wrong to say, but it's not like he went to bed unsatisfied. He's definitely had worse drunken hookups. Joshua was nice to be with, and if he didn't have so much on his mind, maybe they would've gone further. He wouldn’t mind doing that now. The cityscape is hard to see through the rain. Joshua's expression has worsened in an almost comedic way and Jeonghan tries not to laugh. He doesn't really understand why the air here has gotten so serious.  

 

“I'm not..I'm not good at the whole relationship thing.”

 

Joshua scratches at his forehead, smoke surrounding his face. Jeonghan almost scoffs, realizing Joshua must've been thinking about this since he woke up.

 

“We hooked up, that's all.”

 

Jeonghan waves him off. Joshua's shoulders relax, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. He kind of feels embarrassed for overthinking about this. The way they acted last night messed with his mind. They're still practically strangers, nothing's going to change.

 

“How long’s it been raining?”

 

The air shifts into something more casual-easier to breathe in. Joshua stands up, holding his cigarette between his lips. His arms stretch above him, body feeling relaxed.

 

“All morning.”

 

He sighs out, arms falling to his sides. An involuntary shiver goes up his spine and he smiles at Jeonghan's small laugh.

 

“You cold?”

 

Jeonghan doesn't give him room to answer, already taking off his shirt and holding it back to him. Joshua takes it, gaze falling to the marks covering Jeonghan's torso.

 

“Sorry.”

 

His eyes flick from Jeonghan's back to his stomach. His face is red, wondering why he thought it was a good idea to leave that many hickies on someone. Jeonghan's hand is against his stomach, fingers pressing the marks. He didn't feel them when he woke up, so he isn't sure why Joshua's apologising.

 

“Don’t mind, not like anyone will see.”

 

Joshua only nods, not meeting his gaze. He hates the lack of awkwardness between them.

 

“Can I shower?”

 

He asks, and Joshua barely as time to nod before Jeonghan's opening the screen door.

 

“Yeah-um, the towels behind the door are clean so just, leave ‘em wherever when you're done.”

 

Joshua manages out, only to be met with a nod from Jeonghan before he's shutting the door, separating them.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

Jeonghan didn't actually know where the bathroom was. It took three guesses before he got the right door. This apartment is big, but doesn't look big enough to have two other bedrooms, all a decent size. Jeonghan doesn't even want to think about how expensive this place is. It feels like Joshua is only somewhat living here. His bedroom so lived in, where as the rest of the apartment is almost sterile, with it’s modern furniture and white lighting. He doesn't mean to over analyze Joshua's home, but he can't stop himself. Joshua is in his head now, he has to figure him out.

 

Using someone else's shower isn't that big of a deal to Jeonghan. Using their products is what makes him feel weird. After showering, he quickly got changed back into his clothes from last night, unable to walk down to his car and grab something else. The mirror is foggy, he stares at his blurry reflection, face feeling warm and hair still wet. He runs a hand through his hair, the shampoo he used is heavily fragranced. He doesn't think about smelling like Joshua any longer, having taken too long in here already.

 

When he walks down the hall, kitchen coming into view, Joshua is picking a few cups and bottles up from the countertop. He stands by the island, watching Joshua quietly put bottles into a trash bag. Jeonghan glances around the living room, seeing less strays. He wonders why Joshua hasn't kicked everyone out, him included.

 

“Want help?”

 

Joshua isn't startled to see him. He looks at Jeonghan, setting the trash bag down on the kitchen island.

 

“No, thanks though.”

 

He smiles small, watching Joshua get out a small pan from the cupboard. He guesses Joshua was only cleaning up the stove area, the rest is probably someone else's job. Breakfast is next on the agenda for Joshua and now Jeonghan knows he's overstayed his welcome. He presses his lips in a thin line, eyes glancing around them. Joshua turns on the stove, movements quiet even while opening his fridge.

 

“I have work soon so..”

 

Jeonghan eyes his movements, wondering what Joshua's cooking tastes like. Joshua closes the fridge door, a carton of eggs in hand. He merely glances at Jeonghan, nodding once. Jeonghan knows saying anything was stupid, he should just leave quietly like the others. Joshua isn't going to cook for him, even if it seems like he would offer.

 

“Thanks for letting me stay.”

 

He throws out quickly, face feeling warm. It feels wrong to leave like the others. Joshua looks at him, gaze somewhat like that dreaded one from last night. Jeonghan almost gets the feeling like Joshua doesn't want him to go, only to have that be dismissed immediately as his own delusions of wanting to stay. Joshua looks away from his eyes, gaze to the floor.

 

“Get home safe.”

 

Jeonghan nods, hand at the back of his neck.

 

“You too.”  

 

His eyes widen. Joshua smiles small, looking back to the stove.

 

“I'm gonna go now-bye, Joshua”

 

Jeonghan walks past him, gaze glued to the front door.

 

“Goodbye, Jeonghan.”

 

His throat feels tight opening the door. He doesn't know what he's going to do.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

Jeonghan made it to work early-three hours early. He didn't have the energy or spending money to just walk around the area until his shift started. It's not like he could go kill time at work either, he barely tolerates his coworkers after yesterday, and there isn't much to do at a convenience store-for him at least. Jeonghan couldn’t waste anymore gas, so he drove to the closest park and ride.

 

He rests his forehead on the wheel. He can't go to his friends. They're great but he doesn't want to burden them. Vernon just moved back home to help take care of his grandmother. Soonyoung has the room but Jeonghan would never live with Soonyoung, not as long as his other two roommates were there. Minhyuk is someone he knows for sure would take him in no matter what, but they haven't hung out in months and this is a bit too heavy to drop on by with. He has others but those aren't the type of friends who'd help you out. Jeonghan can't burden any of them with this.

 

To tell someone your worries, you need to be able to deal with them. Jeonghan felt weak, having to change into his work clothes in a rest stop bathroom. Tossing the old ones in the backseat of his car really solidified that this is his new reality. He isn't this sensitive as a person, or he doesn't allow himself to be. Jeonghan spent an hour or two, just crying by himself. Mainly from stress and anger at everything, but also because of fear.

 

He lifts his head at the sound of thunder, hands smoothing over the wheel.  He smiles small, wiping at his face as he sits back in his seat. He watches the windshield wipers move, listening to them work. Jeonghan loves his car. He loves his car but he hates that it's the reason why he can't go home either. He finally saved up for and bought it on his birthday last year. It's got a weird stain in the trunk and the speakers don't work on the right side but it's his. Buying this car was everything to him. It made him feel like he actually accomplished something. He didn't go to college, he didn't have any dreams or aspirations. Jeonghan wanted a car and he wanted out of his town. He loves his family and they love him, but when he got this car, he was gone.

 

Jeonghan came to this city just this year. His mother let him go, but she said he'd have it tough and would probably come back within weeks. It's a pride thing, obviously. Jeonghan didn't fight to make it here, he settled on the first decent _-ish_ roommate and apartment he could find. Hunted for a boring part time job, and was happy with that. He wanted to get away, be stuck in the delusions of how great it is to live in the city. It is great, Jeonghan doesn't give a shit that he's living paycheck to paycheck, or that he really only works and sleeps. He likes being surrounded by people he'll never see again, likes never running out of new places to eat or places to drive and just look at a view.

 

He already had friends here, the lucky ones whose families could send them to school in a nicer area. The ones who had motivation to make their dreams a reality. It's a big city and Jeonghan is here to live and that's it. He can't go home, not yet. What the hell is he supposed to do though?

 

Joshua enters his mind and then quickly leaves it.

 

It's almost time for work. Jeonghan starts his car, pulling out of the mostly empty lot. He can spend a night in his car-he can. When he gets to a red light, he takes out his phone. The second his thumb moves to google how to do this, his mind shuts the idea down. He can't do it. It's laughable how set his mind is on this. Jeonghan really doesn't know what struggling is like. He loves his car, but he doesn't want to live in it. He goes over his situation a few more times. All possible outcomes ending the same as before, making him give up searching for a solution.

 

Warmth and the sound of soft moans weigh heavy on his mind as he walks into work.

 

They harass him for his entire shift.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

Joshua's door looks different without the muffled music and chattering behind it. Jeonghan's mind is blank. The rain hasn't stopped all day. His hair is wet, work shirt soaked and knuckles numb from knocking against the grain. Jeonghan's too cold to run before the door opens. His vision blurs and he looks away feeling a hot tear fall down his cheek. Jeonghan wipes at his face, a small laugh forcing its way out.

 

“I don't have anywhere else to go.”

 

He really needs to work on his greetings. He glances at Joshua, seeing the other's gaze take in his appearance. This situation is ridiculous, but he imagines it'd be more overwhelming if he actually brought up his bags. Joshua looks tired, hair messy like he just got out of bed. He's in the same sweatpants from this morning, and a black hoodie that swallows his body. Jeonghan feels sorry. It's almost one in the morning, he shouldn't have come here.

 

“You can stay.”

 

Joshua opens the door more and the air leaves his lungs. There's no way Joshua understands fully what he meant when he said he doesn't have anywhere else to go. He blames the tears he let fall.

 

“Just for the night.”

 

He's hesitant, stepping into the apartment, head held high despite crying a few moments ago.

 

“For however long you want to.”

 

Joshua says quietly, closing the door behind him. Jeonghan wants to laugh, this time at how stupidly trusting Joshua is. He needs to make sure Joshua is on the same page as him. Jeonghan takes a breath, knowing full well what he says next will either put him back on the street or make him have a new place to call home.

 

“I'll pay rent.”

 

His hands form into fists, body turning to follow Joshua into his kitchen. Joshua doesn't look back at him, opening his fridge.

 

“Don't bother..my parents pay mine.”

 

A water bottle is set on the island. Joshua pushes it towards him, and Jeonghan takes it. Joshua's gaze won't meet his, and Jeonghan doesn't like the once over he gets from the other. Joshua nods to himself and then leaves Jeonghan, walking down the hall. Jeonghan's tempted to follow, but he stays put, hands holding the bottle. He takes a look around. The place is cleaned up, the scent of cleaning products vague but still present. Joshua has a lot of lights on, and Jeonghan doesn't even want to think how much the utilities cost.

 

Joshua comes back, a towel tucked under his arm and what looks like another shirt over his shoulder.

 

“You always been rich?”

 

He cringes at his own voice. Joshua smiles small, shaking his head.

 

“Not when I was a kid.”

 

Jeonghan can't describe the look on Joshua's face. He doesn't like seeing it. The look disappears when Joshua steps over to him, handing him the towel. He places the shirt next to Jeonghan without any explanation on what to do with it.

 

“Did you eat?”

 

Jeonghan shakes his head no. Joshua doesn't say anything, walking back to the fridge.

 

“I'd rather sleep.”

 

He watches as Joshua takes out some tupperware. Food seems to be another non negotiable offer. Joshua takes out a pan, putting whatever was in the bowl into it and turns on the stove. Jeonghan sits at a bar stool, toweling his hair. Whatever Joshua's reheating smells amazing. Jeonghan isn't the best at taking care of himself, but he remembers to eat-most of the time. Nothing he's ever cooked has smelled this good though. Joshua's too nice. Jeonghan continues to watch him, daydreaming about what it would be like if this were his reality.

 

Jeonghan looks away. He can't see himself living in a place like this, with someone like Joshua wanting to be with him too.

 

“Don't you want to know?”

 

He gets up, running a hand through his hair. Joshua briefly looks back at him, continuing to stir.

 

“Know what?”

 

Joshua opens up the second bowl of what looks like sauce and starts spooning it in. Jeonghan smiles to himself. Joshua is too easy to take advantage of. The funny thing is, Jeonghan knows Joshua wouldn't even get mad. His hand drags along the island, stepping closer to Joshua.  

 

“Why I'm suddenly homeless..why I came here..?”

 

His voice is melodic. Joshua laughs once then, turning to look back at him fully.

 

“Both I guess.”

 

Jeonghan bites down on his lip, not knowing how to explain this. He doesn't want it to come off sadder than what it is. It's not sad, the only thing that's really upsetting is his toaster being stolen by his shitty roommate. Jeonghan doesn't like to feel anger. He doesn't like to feel anything bad, so he tries to move on fairly quick. Having others feel those things with or for him just doesn't sit right in his gut-never has. Joshua steps away from him, opening the cupboard and grabbing a bowl.

 

“Tell me when you want to.”  

 

He opens a drawer, utensils clinking against the glass. Jeonghan doesn't want to explain it right now. He just nods, knowing Joshua will genuinely wait for when he’s ready.

 

“Make me warm first?”

 

Jeonghan boldly closes the distance, forehead pressing against the back of Joshua's shoulder. He doesn't tense at the sudden touch, but he isn't welcoming it. Jeonghan can imagine himself doing the same. He pulls back first, afraid to wait another second incase Joshua does decide to react. His face feels warm, watching as Joshua continues to plate the food like nothing happened. He turns to face Jeonghan, an unreadable expression on his face. He sets down the bowl on the island. Jeonghan watches as he pulls out a chair. Jeonghan can’t move, Joshua steps closer to him.

 

“I was just kidding-”

 

He cuts himself off, watching Joshua take off his hoodie. Jeonghan bites the inside of his cheek, taking the hoodie when Joshua hands him it. Joshua walks over to the other shirt, and then puts that on. His hair sticks up in random spots and Jeonghan smiles to himself, pulling off his own damp shirt. Joshua's hoodie is warm, and smells like his pillows rather than smoke. Joshua takes the wet shirt from him, holding it at his side.

 

“Eat, then go shower.”

 

Joshua points to him and then the food. Jeonghan feels like he's being hugged. He nods small, sitting down as Joshua leaves him. His steps quiet going down the hall. He listens to Joshua move about, doors opening and closing.

 

The food is as good as it smells, making him smile.

 

He's warm.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

After he showered, Joshua showed him to the first door Jeonghan had wrongly guessed as the bathroom. It’s adjacent to Joshua’s own room., and wasn't empty. Joshua had moved silently around him, opening the closet and getting out more blankets for the bed that didn’t need them. He probably thought more layers would be enough to satisfy Jeonghan's cravings for warmth. Jeonghan had sat on the edge of the bed, wanting to tell Joshua that he needs the heat of another person to be satisfied, not from a blanket.

 

“Have anything to move? Furniture, or more clothes..?”

 

Joshua had asked him, glancing down at Jeonghan's attire. He's fine right now, just sleeping in his boxers and Joshua's hoodie. He shook his head no, telling Joshua that he'll get it in the morning by himself. Joshua took that as his cue to leave, saying goodnight and leaving Jeonghan alone.

 

The air felt uncomfortable, sitting alone in this unfamiliar room. Jeonghan ended up exploring a bit before sleeping. Looking through empty drawers. He found nothing under the bed or anything in the closet. He did find a bathroom tough, with a shower and bathtub. Jeonghan had tucked himself into bed  with all those blankets, wondering why he's in the master bedroom instead of the person who lives here. Joshua becomes even more interesting the longer he shares the same space as him.

 

Usually he wouldn't be able to do this, but Jeonghan fell asleep on his own.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

He may have felt fine going to bed, but he feels sick whenever he wakes up cold. Jeonghan convinced himself as a child that he's cold blooded. When he wakes like this, his belief in that only grows.

 

He quietly walks through the apartment, steps careful getting past Joshua's door and walking into the living room. It's early, the sun isn't even up. He couldn't stand being in that room any longer. Jeonghan shoves his hands in the front pockets, hood up as he searches for a warm spot. If he can't find warmth, he searches for a distraction. His phone's dead because he didn't bring up his charger and for some reason Joshua doesn't have a T.V.

 

Jeonghan didn't notice that until now. He also didn't notice the lack of family photos anywhere. He continues walking slowly around the apartment, snooping while also feeling the temperature stay the same everywhere. It’d be hot outside but he doesn't want to go out on the balcony. He likes being warm, not sweaty. Jeonghan chooses to just sit on the couch until the sun rises.

 

When he can see better, and the outside world wakes up fully, he’ll get dressed and go down to get his things.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

Seeing his bags in that room felt strange. So did taking the elevator up on the final trip. His backpack weighed heavy on his shoulders the entire ride up. He thought he had more possessions but he thought wrong.

 

Joshua still wasn't up when Jeonghan had finished. It was only half past eight in the morning, but he wished for the company. Jeonghan contemplated unpacking, only to decide it's too weird and that he doesn't plan on staying long enough to do so. He ended up taking his pants off again, finding it too warm for that many clothes. He walked back into the living room, phone and charger in hand and remained on the couch until Joshua woke up.

 

It was almost like Joshua forgot he's here, or maybe Jeonghan acquired the ability to turn invisible. He perked up at the sounds of someone else being awake. Excitement of potential warmth making him feel way too energized for this early. Joshua had woken up, hair a bird's nest and shirt gone with nothing but a lighter and pack of cigarettes in hand. He walked right past Jeonghan who had his knees to his chest, face glued to his phone. Joshua spent about seven minutes out on the balcony, waking himself up.

 

The screen doors opened and Jeonghan's gaze followed Joshua to the kitchen, watching him run a hand through his hair, messing it up more. Jeonghan sets down his phone, deciding to see if Joshua did forget about him. He gets up, walking to the kitchen, wondering what scaring Joshua would be like. He has yet to see any sort of startled reaction out of him. Joshua's sat at the island, head down. His bare back to him and Jeonghan can’t help but remember what it was like scratching at it. He forces himself to think about something else, looking at the counter seeing the coffee maker on. The machine’s noises mask Jeonghan's steps.

 

“Good morning.”

 

Joshua lifts his head, turning in his chair. Jeonghan stops in his tracks, startle attempt failing. He mumbles a quiet morning back.

 

“Sleep okay?”

 

It’s like Joshua knew what had just gone down. His laughter light and warming Jeonghan’s cheeks. He nods, meeting Joshua's gaze.

 

“The bed is nice but I like yours better.”

 

Jeonghan looks away, not wanting to see Joshua's smile. The laugh Joshua let out was enough. He shouldn't be letting his mouth say whatever it wants this early in the morning.

 

“How much longer will you wear that?”

 

He can feel Joshua's gaze on his body and it takes a few seconds for Jeonghan to realize he's being asked about the hoodie Joshua lent him, and not for Jeonghan to strip and jump his bones. He takes a breath, looking up and deciding now is the time to see how long Joshua can handle playing with him.

 

“Oh this..?”

 

Jeonghan raises his brows, hands pulling at the hoodie. Joshua's gaze hold his, nodding once. He hums, dropping his hands as he steps closer to Joshua.

 

“My bad, I thought it came with the room.”

 

He doesn't know what he's doing, or why him stepping closer makes Joshua sit up more, but he's enjoying this. Joshua's gaze is dark, unmatching with the smile that's threatening his lips. Jeonghan sighs exaggerated, pulling the sleeves over his hands. He brings his hands to his face, eyes glancing at Joshua.

 

“It's my favorite.”

 

Joshua's voice only fuels him. Jeonghan grins, invading his space fully. His arms at either side of Joshua, palms pressing into the island.

 

“Then take it from me.”

 

The two look at each other in silence. Joshua's gaze doesn't leave his. Jeonghan may have said that like it'd be hard, but as he stands back up fully, his legs feel weak. Joshua's hands are at his hips, making him laugh. He’s pulled close, Joshua’s fingers are quick to slip under the hoodie and Jeonghan's skin burns under his touch. Jeonghan knows his face is red and that he's letting this happen without a fight. He doesn't give a shit about his earlier intentions. He feels grounded with Joshua holding him. His own hands smoothing over Joshua’s shoulders, feeling how warm his skin is.

 

“Too easy, don't you think?”

 

Joshua's hands travel higher, the hoodie being pushed up on his stomach. Jeonghan would've forgotten he's just messing around if Joshua didn't say that. Jeonghan's in control here, he wanted warmth and he's getting it. He drops his arms, hands on top of Joshua's, pulling them off of him. Joshua’s face changes as he steps back once.

 

“Only when I want it to be.”

 

He isn't in the mood to play anymore.

 

The warmth leaves him and he craves instantly to have it back. Jeonghan puts more distance between them, stopping when his body meets the back of the couch. He smiles small, trying to play this off like it didn't bother him. He doesn't want to be in the same room anymore, gaze on the floor.

 

“Jeonghan.”

 

Joshua stands and Jeonghan has no choice but to look at him.

 

“I didn't mean it like that.”

 

He closes his eyes, lips pressed into a thin line. Jeonghan knows this, _he knows_ Joshua wouldn't say something like that on purpose. He can confidently say this because when he stated that he can't sleep alone, Joshua very easily could've shown disgust. He could’ve made a remark about how much of a slut Jeonghan is, but he didn't. He merely nodded and carried on the conversation. It's just common decency, but Jeonghan really liked that. If it's not his business, Joshua doesn't stick his nose in. Jeonghan likes that too.

 

“Don't worry about it.”

 

Him brushing this off doesn't do anything. Joshua steps closer to him, and Jeonghan's too conscious of his body.  

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

Joshua's gaze holds his, voice gentle and full of remorse. Jeonghan can't stand seeing this look be for him. He isn't deserving of it. There really was no reason for this to happen at all. He isn't sure why he reacted that way. Jeonghan hates how sour a good mood can turn.

 

“I _guess_ I can accept your apology,” Jeonghan bites back his smile, seeing Joshua's gaze turn into a knowing look, “ _If_ I can keep the hoodie.”

 

He doesn't actually want to keep it, but seeing the conflicting look in Joshua's eyes makes him want to. It's almost too hard to watch as Joshua reaches a conclusion.

 

“Fine.”

 

Jeonghan laughs, hearing the genuine hurt in his voice. Joshua steps closer to him, gaze only on Jeonghan's chest as his hand rests on Jeonghan's waist again. His laughter lessens some as Joshua presses his forehead on his shoulder. Jeonghan knows he's tense, hand hesitant to touch Joshua too.

 

“Not hugging you-just saying my goodbyes.”

 

His voice comes out muffled and makes Jeonghan roll his eyes. He's glad he didn't touch him-even with the craving to feel Joshua’s skin on his. Joshua presses a kiss to his shoulder-the fabric on it and Jeonghan scoffs, lightly pushing him away. Joshua has a smile on his face, hand at the back of his head.

 

“You're so dramatic.”

 

He wants Joshua to touch him again, tempted to grab his hand. The two grin at eachother and Jeonghan relaxes, liking how quick it took for them to resolve something.

 

“Any requests for breakfast?”

 

Joshua turns back to the kitchen, already opening the fridge. Jeonghan shrugs, taking a seat at the island.

 

“Not really hungry.”

 

He lies. Having Joshua cook for him after that seems way more domestic than Jeonghan's comfortable with.

 

“Even after all that moving you did?”

 

Joshua turns back to him. Jeonghan's mouth parts, not knowing what to say. He didn't think Joshua was up during that.

 

“You weren't loud or anything, I'm just.. hyperaware? I guess.”

 

He reassures Jeonghan, leaning against the counter. Jeonghan is starting to think Joshua isn't aware of the weight his words have on him. It's too honest. Too innocently said. Jeonghan can’t even crack a joke about it. What he's really curious about though, is whether or not Joshua's like this with everyone, or just with him. He selfishly wants the latter.

 

“Are you sure you're okay with this?”

 

Jeonghan's hands are on his lap, clasped together to stop from fidgeting. He looks at Joshua's face, waiting for an answer. Joshua crosses his arms in front of his chest, shrugging small. Jeonghan wishes he’d put on a shirt.

 

“Want me to be honest?”

 

His tone is borderline joking, an attempt at trying make this conversation not as serious as it should be. Jeonghan appreciates the easy going air that surrounds them. He'd rather keep approaching all of this casually than hear Joshua's actual honest thoughts. It takes him a second, but he nods.  

 

“I'm not used to someone sticking around-I mean, I don't really allow it.”  

 

The smile is gone, along with the playful air. Joshua looks away from him, biting down on his lip nervously.

 

“Even though I don't quite understand why, I think I'm okay with this because it's you.”

 

He meets Jeonghan's gaze, arms dropping as a hand goes to the back of his neck.

 

“You sure I can't get you some cereal or anything..?”

 

Joshua's demeanor changes, the sudden nerves being overtaken by the usual carefreeness. Jeonghan looks at him, choosing to think about Joshua's words later. For now, he’d rather pretend he didn't just hear that, or that it made his face warm. Jeonghan smiles, nodding once.

 

“Cereal sounds great.”  

 

It's like he just gave Joshua an extra breath. The other turns away with a relieved smile, and Jeonghan is left feeling strange. It's cereal, not a gourmet meal. But, Joshua is the one getting out everything and serving him like it is. Jeonghan feels like a child, smiling small at the quiet gestures from Joshua. How much cereal, when to stop pouring the milk. His face feels too warm, but body cold still. He plays with the spoon, letting it drop back into the bowl. Joshua's movements are quiet, putting away everything. The apartment is too quiet, the air conditioning being the only sound.

 

“Joshua?”

 

Jeonghan listens to the other hum lazily, before turning to look at him.

 

“Why don't you have a T.V?”

 

The question sounds weird now that he's asked. Not everyone owns one, and he imagines a place as nice as this would feel that a television would be out of place or lower the value. Joshua looks away from him, fridge door shutting as he walks past Jeonghan. He picks his bowl up, following Joshua. The two sit down on the couch, Jeonghan bringing his knees to his chest, watching Joshua curiously as he picks up a small remote. Joshua points it at the fireplace. His gaze is glued to the wall above it, eyes widening as the center begins to slide up, revealing a flat screen.

 

Jeonghan doesn't know what to say. He knows of hidden TVs, but it’s his first time seeing one. He looks at Joshua and the other is already watching him. Joshua's gaze is warm, the remote being being held up.

 

“This one.”

 

He points at a small button, grinning as he offers the remote to Jeonghan. Joshua laughs quietly as Jeonghan sits up, putting his bowl on the coffee table in front of them. He takes the remote and watches amazed as the T.V is hidden once more. He's grinning now, making it reappear. Joshua shifts on the couch, spoon clinking against his bowl. Jeonghan hides it one more time, sparing him a glance.

 

“Wanna turn it on..?”

 

Joshua quirks a brow at him, smiling at Jeonghan as his face falls, cheeks dusted pink as he nods. He's glad to have something else to fill in their silences. The T.V was already on the news and he bites down on his tongue not to comment about how boring Joshua's taste is. Jeonghan holds the remote with both hands, overly conscious of Joshua's gaze.

 

“What do you like to watch?”

 

He asks, suddenly remembering this isn’t his home. Joshua shrugs, spoon held between his lips.

 

“Nothing really, pick something you like.”

 

Joshua takes the spoon out the same way he holds a cigarette. Jeonghan looks away, searching the channels. He puts on HGTV, ignoring the look Joshua gives him, probably sharing his exact thoughts earlier about Joshua's taste. They're both boring, he concludes.

 

“It's relaxing.”

 

Jeonghan tosses the remote to Joshua, picking his bowl back up, ignoring the others laughter.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

Hours have passed them by without realizing. The low volume on the T.V matching their quiet commentary on each couples decisions for their homes.

 

After breakfast, Joshua washed their dishes as Jeonghan remained on the couch. He gives into the guilt he's had all morning while watching Joshua have his afternoon smoke. Jeonghan's a guest, he should be helping out, not sitting on his ass. Even if Joshua does these things without giving room for an invitation to help out, he still feels bad.

 

“You off today?”

 

The balcony doors close, Joshua's walking towards him, making him sit up. Smoke smell follows him, but Jeonghan's kind of used to it. He stifles a yawn, gaze on the wall as he feels Joshua sit down behind him, eyes shifting to the pack and lighter being set down on the coffee table.

 

“I have part of the night shift, but I'd rather just call in.”

 

He isn't sure why, but he lays back down, and Joshua let's him use his lap as a pillow. It's comfortable, albeit after a few seconds of Joshua adjusting to a more relaxed position. He merely hums in response to Jeonghan, hand holding the remote, turning the T.V up. The other rests on the back of the couch, and Jeonghan wouldn't mind if Joshua touches him. He's content on this little of contact, for now. It's nice, sitting like this, watching T.V together. He knows he should move from his side. Jeonghan could fall asleep like this at any second. It doesn't help that Joshua's lap is comfortable, and his body like a heating pad. He needs to stay awake, so he lets his mind wander, searching for conversation topics.

 

“My roommate stole my toaster.”

 

He blurts out the first thing that came to mind.

 

“What?”

 

Joshua laughs once, both from how random this was and the pout on Jeonghan's lips. Jeonghan nods, shifting onto his back.

 

“He took a few other things too. Just cheap appliances-some movies. Then he skipped town..”

 

He says the last part bitterly, giving into how frustrated this made him.

 

“It'd be exhausting trying to track him down. He already blocked my number, so that's that I guess.”

 

Jeonghan stretches his arms up above him. His gaze falling to Joshua's arm. Without much thought, Jeonghan takes hold of Joshua's hand.

 

“What an asshole.”

 

Joshua doesn't react to his touch, allowing Jeonghan to lazily trace over the lines in his palm as he hums in response to Joshua.

 

“It's my fault for not making sure our rent was being paid.”

 

He makes Joshua spread his fingers, tracing over them. His hand feels soft, but Jeonghan knows if he brings it any closer he'll be able to smell cigarettes.

 

“You haven't lived here long, right?”

 

Joshua turns his attention back on the show, feeling Jeonghan nod.

 

“Since early April.”

 

His eyes widen a bit. He knew Jeonghan didn't move here right after highschool, not like most of the people they know. Joshua had no idea it was that recent though. Jeonghan acts like he's been in the city longer than that. To Joshua, Jeonghan looks like he belongs here more than himself.

 

“The place was shitty anyway, maybe it's a good thing we got kicked out.”

 

Jeonghan sighs and Joshua glances down at him. He's staring quite hard at Joshua's hand, almost to the point where it'd make him feel self conscious.

 

“My mom would love to have me back home.”

 

Jeonghan frowns, staring at a red patch on Joshua's wrist. It looks like a healing rash or something.

 

“Would you go back to her?”

 

Joshua's voice is quiet above him, and he doesn't pull away even with the obvious inspection of his wrist. Jeonghan drops the others hand, shaking his head no.

 

“I finally got out on my own, of course not.”

 

He scoffs, feeling Joshua's hand move away from him, finding its place once again at the back of the couch. Jeonghan sighs heavily, gaze on the coffee table.

 

“She's great-don't get me wrong, I just can't go back so soon.”

 

It's tiresome to talk about, also embarrassing compared to others struggles. Jeonghan should just swallow down his pride and go home. He has a home that would welcome him, something many don't.

 

“What did it feel like..getting away like that?”

 

There's a slight shift to Joshua's already gentle voice. It makes Jeonghan want to look up at him but he remains still, shrugging it off and giving his response some thought.

 

“Amazing and stupid.”

 

He laughs at himself.

 

“I got on this kind of..positivity high. No matter what happened, I was just glad to be here.”

 

Jeonghan grins, face feeling warm.

 

“I probably looked so fucking annoying, smiling all the time like that.”

 

Joshua laughs then, not at him but because of the image it gave him.

 

“It sounds nice.”

 

Jeonghan ignores his embarrassment, shifting his head to look up at Joshua. He's tired of talking about himself.

 

“So does having a place like this. How did you hide this in highschool?”

 

Really though, Jeonghan cannot recall Vernon or anyone else they both know ever bringing up how well off Joshua is. Joshua most definitely isn't the type to showcase it either.

 

“What, having money?”

 

Joshua doesn't look down at his curious gaze. Jeonghan watches the other lean his head back against the couch.

 

“I didn't, we never talked.”

 

His voice sounds far away. Jeonghan stares up at the ceiling.

 

“Yeah, forgot about that.”

 

He wonders how different things would be if they had just talked then. Jeonghan doesn't get to say that outloud. The doorbell rings and Jeonghan sits up first. Not knowing why he's suddenly weary of whoever that could be. Joshua seems to be the same way. The two both get off of the couch. Jeonghan stays standing awkwardly by it while Joshua answers the door.

 

It's an older woman, probably around his own mother's age. She looks almost too clean and Jeonghan pulls his hood up.

 

“Your suit, Mr.Hong”

 

She skips any formal greeting Jeonghan was expecting to hear. Joshua mumbles a quiet thank you, his ears a deep red that Jeonghan can easily see from here as he takes the clothes from her. Her gaze doesn’t leave his face, and Jeonghan feels overly conscious of both of their appearances. Joshua looks down at it in his arms and Jeonghan can’t see the expression he has on.The covering over it is a thick fabric, almost like a backpack instead of the usual plastic Jeonghan's used to.  He looks back up, meeting the woman's gaze.

 

“Would you mind returning something to my mother for me?”

 

He asks quietly, almost like the request is strange, as if having a suit delivered by someone isn't already strange. The woman shakes her head no, not stepping into the apartment.

 

“Not at all, sir.”

 

Jeonghan looks away, hearing Joshua's thanks as he sets the suit down on the island, before walking down the hall to his room. Jeonghan doesn't know what to do with himself. He watches the woman step more into the apartment by herself. Her hands clasped at her waist as she almost scans the room. Jeonghan's face is warm when their eyes meet. He smiles small, nodding once to her. She doesn't smile back, choosing instead to look at him like he's an out of place object instead of a person. His mouth parts, mind searching for the most polite way to ask this lady what her problem is. He doesn’t know what her occupation is, or if her seeing him here could somehow put Joshua in a tough spot. Joshua didn’t tell him to hide or anything, so he swallows down that worry.

 

“Here, sorry I don't have anything to put it in, but you can just leave it with her assistant.”

 

Joshua comes back before Jeonghan can say anything. He put on a shirt, face still looking flustered. The woman smiles small to him, taking what looks like a watch from his hand.

 

“Is there anything else I can do, sir?”

 

She takes out a small handkerchief, wrapping the watch in it before holding it carefully. Jeonghan almost snorts. Joshua shakes his head no as he walks her out his door.

 

“You may leave now, thank you.”

 

Jeonghan has to turn away then, focusing on the TV. It's too formal and makes his skin crawl with how cringey that exchange was. He waits a few seconds until after the door closes before walking over to Joshua.

 

“She looked at me funny.”

 

He says it casually, as if he wasn't put off by it. Joshua shakes his head no almost immediately, unzipping the cover.

 

“Not you. Someone else being here.”

 

Joshua stares up at him, expression unreadable and too serious. Maybe he wasn’t told to hide because Joshua just didn’t know what to do. He stops himself from thinking more on this. Jeonghan sits down next to him.  

 

“Whatever you say, sir.”

 

He earns a small laugh from the other. It sounds rushed and more so out of politeness. Jeonghan cocks his head, poking the now revealed suit.

 

“Does your mom make you wear jewelry alot?”

 

The suit doesn't look that expensive. A typical jacket, paired with a simple white button up. Joshua nods, holding up his wrist briefly.

 

“It irritates my skin, but it's pointless to say no to her.”

 

He meets Jeonghan's gaze, smiling small. Jeonghan nods, choosing to ignore his curiosity about that in favor for a much greater one.

 

“What's the suit for?”

 

It's almost comedic how quickly that question changed the air around them. Joshua's eyes darken, looking away from Jeonghan like him pointing out the suits existence made it real for Joshua.

 

“Some banquet my parents are hosting.”

 

A casual answer despite the look on his face. Jeonghan sits up, eyes tracing over the suit again.

 

“Tonight?”

 

He flicks his gaze to Joshua's face in time to see a small nod.

 

“I should get ready.”

 

The suit cover is zipped up and taken away from his view. Joshua holds it to his chest, walking away from Jeonghan without another word.

 

It's uncomfortable, his growing curiosity about everything Joshua does. The emotions that cross his eyes, contradictioning the softness of his voice. How his actions are different than his words. Jeonghan wants to know what Joshua is thinking all the time now. He doesn't care that they're still strangers to each other, he wants to ask Joshua about every little thing that confuses him.

 

Jeonghan sat back on the couch, mindlessly playing with his phone, pretending to focus on the T.V like he wasn't impatiently waiting for Joshua to come back. The shower had turned off awhile ago and the show on has changed to one Jeonghan doesn't care for but he can't be bothered to change it. He's watching it but he's only listening to Joshua's movements.

 

When he hears footsteps down the hall, he stands. A little too eager but Joshua doesn't notice. The air in his lungs escapes while taking in Joshua's appearance. His hair is styled out of his face. It's too neat and almost makes him unrecognizable. He looks nice, but he doesn't look like himself. Jeonghan isn't sure why he feels he's in any position to think this.

 

“I won't be back for awhile.”

 

Joshua's voice sounds strained. He stands at the island, fixing the cuff of his sleeve. The suit fits him well, except for the jacket sleeves being too long. It doesn't make sense for it all to not be fitted to Joshua. Jeonghan can only nod, unsure of what to say and mind too occupied with how empty Joshua's stare is. Joshua digs into his pocket then, and holds out a key.

 

“In case you make it back first.”

 

Jeonghan steps closer, taking it. Joshua looks away from him, buttoning his collar. Jeonghan can't say he's a fan of seeing the other so proper and fitting of his background.

 

“Joshua.”

 

His hand is at Joshua's shoulder. He ignores how tense Joshua is, daring to touch him more as he slides his hand down his arm. Joshua is slow to meet his gaze.

 

“You have on a terrible expression right now.”

 

Jeonghan almost whispers it. A smile threatening him but he can't seem to let it surface. His hand moves down, until he's holding Joshua's. His stomach flips as Joshua interlocks their fingers. Joshua smiles but it doesn't meet his eyes.

 

“I'll see you later.”

 

Joshua squeezes once before pulling back and leaving.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

Work was easier to handle than he thought. He fell back into his usual routine while there. Surprising himself by how calm standing behind that cash register made him. It was nice today but storm clouds had rolled in towards the end of his shift. When he got off, it was pouring. He likes watching the rain but being in it-even for a second, makes him too cold to move. Jeonghan found himself feeling for the key Joshua gave him, playing with it on his lap while he waited for his car to heat up. He started to look forward going back to Joshua.

 

The disappointment he felt entering the darkened apartment was too great. It only grew the longer he spent looking around the place for Joshua, in denial that he was alone. He knew it was stupid, as if Joshua wouldn't have already greeted him. He couldn't go to the room given to him. Joshua's room wasn't an option either, despite it being the warmest spot in the place, it wasn't his to freely go to. Jeonghan found himself turning on all the lights, pretending like he wasn't alone. He laid down on the couch, deciding to play with the T.V switch a few more times in an attempt to cheer himself up. It kind of worked, but even with the new sounds masking the unfamiliar ones, Jeonghan felt uncomfortable. He wonders if Joshua feels like this too.

 

Joshua makes this place easier to be in and he isn't sure if he likes that or not. Jeonghan takes out his phone, checking the time. It's a little past two in the morning. He didn't know a banquet could last this long. He sets his phone down in front of him. Jeonghan tries to pay attention to the show, but his mind can only focus on the key in his pocket. He takes it out, the metal hot in his palm. Jeonghan closes his eyes, holding it tight.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

When he wakes, the T.V is off and there's a blanket on him. Jeonghan sits up, the rooms only light being from the one above the kitchen stove. He checks his phone, vision blurry and screen too bright. It's almost four. Jeonghan yawns, standing up. He tosses his phone onto the couch, seeing the key almost teetering off the edge. He grabs the blanket, wrapping it around him. Joshua's keys and phone are on the island. His shoes messily placed a little past the entrance. Jeonghan pulls at the blanket, it smells like Joshua's pillows, so he knows where it came from. He heads down the hall, no longer tired at the realization that Joshua is still up. His bedroom light is on, door open just a crack. The hallway is dark but warmth beckons to him.

 

Jeonghan stands in front of the door, looking in to see Joshua laying down on his bed. His arm is draped over his face, covering his eyes. From here Jeonghan can tell by the way Joshua's chest moves that he's crying. He looks down, not knowing what to say, or if it's okay to do this. He debates for a few seconds, knowing it'd be best to walk away. But he can't do it. Jeonghan knocks once, stepping into the room. Joshua doesn't sit up. He flinched at the sound but he doesn't say to go away-doesn't say anything. Jeonghan closes the door, shutting out the dark. His steps are quiet, stopping as he stands in front of Joshua's bed. The blanket is loose around him as he gets onto it. Joshua removes his arm, feeling the bed dip. He gives Jeonghan a mere glance, hand wiping at his face as Jeonghan crawls over him.

 

“I take it the caviar expired?”

 

His eyes are lined red, making this hard on Jeonghan to keep on his calm expression. Joshua turns away. He can’t help but smile, hands finding themselves at Jeonghan's waist as the other settles down on his lap.

 

“The yacht didn't even have wifi.”

 

He laughs, hands removing themselves to cover his face. Jeonghan watches him bite down on his lip, more tears falling. Joshua takes a breath, trying to calm down. Jeonghan smiles small, the blanket falling off of his shoulders. He places a hand on Joshua's stomach, feeling the sharp intakes of breath. He moves it higher, until he reaches Joshua's shirt collar. The fabric really doesn't look like much, but it feels nice. Maybe it's just Joshua's body that's nice rather than the clothes. Jeonghan sees the suit jacket on the floor, briefly wanting to touch it too so he can test this theory. He shifts on Joshua's lap, hearing the other sigh heavily. His hair is messy, eyes looking tired as they meet Jeonghan's. He doesn't need to know why Joshua is upset, having an idea already. Joshua just needs to take a breath and Jeonghan can get him to do that.

 

“I'm sorry dinner sucked.”

 

He unbuttons the collar. Joshua moves slow ,sitting up on his elbows. He nods, looking away. He allows Jeonghan to continue unbuttoning his shirt. Jeonghan leans down, face so close to his.

 

“Dinner was great. The people around me didn't deserve to eat it.”

 

He smiles, hesitant to look Jeonghan in the eye. The buttons are undone, and Jeonghan pushes back the fabric, smoothing over Joshua's shoulders. His breath tickles at Joshua's skin, hands drag down his torso, and Joshua feels it's easier to breathe as he lies back down.

 

“I'm sorry about that then.”

 

Jeonghan's voice is quiet against his neck. All Joshua can do is sigh, pressing his head into his pillows. His body relaxes, feeling the other get off of him. Jeonghan's lips are soft against his skin, hands roaming his sides. A moan builds at the back of his throat, body reacting to each kiss Jeonghan places on his chest. He shakes his head, tempted to touch Jeonghan.

 

“Not your fault.”

 

His reply is a bit delayed. Mind a jumbled mess. His eyelids are heavy and irritated. Jeonghan's hands press into his hips before staying still. The kisses stop and Joshua almost voices his complaints.

 

“I want it to be.”

 

Joshua frowns, blinking back the last of his tears. He looks at Jeonghan, throat feeling tight.Joshua rests his head back down, hands playing with the edge of his pillow.

 

“Can I make it up to you?”

 

Hands are at his thighs, and Joshua wants to sit up, but he's tired himself out. He stares at the ceiling, wondering if it's wrong to take whatever Jeonghan's offering. He doesn't have the energy to speak. Joshua can feel Jeonghan's hands about to leave him.

 

“Please.”

 

Joshua's hands are on top of his. Voice weak and body needing to relax. Jeonghan stops himself from wanting to tease him. He nods, smiling small as he slides his hands out from under Joshua's. He scoots down more on the bed, fingers already undoing Joshua's pants. Joshua's body is too tense, and he doesn't want to stress him any more. Jeonghan's fingers are light against the waistband of Joshua's boxers, paying close attention to the way Joshua's breathing changes as his hand dips into his boxers, wrapping easily around him.

 

He strokes slow, figuring out what Joshua responds to. Jeonghan lays down fully, adjusting his hand. He runs his thumb across the head, listening to Joshua's breath hitch. His back arches slightly, thighs wanting to close around Jeonghan's shoulders. Jeonghan takes one last look at him, his head pressed back into the pillows, before he pulls at the waistband and then takes Joshua into his mouth.

 

Jeonghan starts slow, licking once at the head before he pulls off. He kisses down Joshua's cock, listening to the other's reactions. He hand remains at the base, other holding down Joshua's hip firmly. Jeonghan looks up, Joshua's mouth is parted, his hands are twisting at the edge of his pillow. Jeonghan drags his tongue up, mouth wrapping around the head again. He eases Joshua's dick into his mouth, hand gently squeezing around him. Joshua moans, and Jeonghan is getting used to the fullness in his mouth.

 

He can feel himself getting hard, hips wanting to press down on the mattress. He focuses on Joshua instead, relaxing his jaw as Joshua's hips lazily buck up, thrusting into his mouth. He let's Joshua use him for a bit, other hand traveling to Joshua's thigh, keeping his legs spread. He listens as Joshua quietly lets out a whine, his own excitement getting the best of him as he moans around Joshua's cock. He can feel Joshua's body relax under his, and it makes him happy.

 

Jeonghan lifts his head, taking a breath.  Precum glosses his lips, and he watches as Joshua's hand drags down his body, falling to his side and gripping at the sheets. Jeonghan wants Joshua to look at him.

 

“Joshua.”

 

He whispers his name, stopping everything. The other takes a second to sit up on his elbows. He meets Jeonghan's gaze, and it makes Jeonghan smile, shaking his head at the obviously confused expression he’s shown. He makes sure Joshua is watching as leans down, tongue dragging up the shaft as his lips close in fully around the head. Joshua's face is red, head dropping back down on the pillows. Jeonghan lets out a satisfied sound, his hand continues to pump Joshua, tongue tracing the head. He hears the moans Joshua's letting out. They're quiet and soft, matching his voice, but slowly they're getting louder.

 

He knew hearing these sounds would both satisfy and haunt him. Joshua tastes addicting, and Jeonghan is hooked. His movements get sloppy when he feels a hand at his face. Fingers gentle, pressing against his jaw, thumb swiping across his cheek. Jeonghan slows down, his stomach flipping at the tender touch.  Joshua moves his hand to Jeonghan's hair and it covers his body in goosebumps. Nails scratch at his scalp, Joshua's body twitching under him. He takes that as Joshua being close, and swallows down the urge to tease him then.

 

Joshua's grip tightens, but not enough to cause pain. He tries to lift Jeonghan's head, a gentle tug that only makes Jeonghan's hand rest on top of his. It's a kind gesture but Jeonghan doesn't mind doing this until the end. He takes Joshua more into his mouth, feeling Joshua's grip loosen, giving up on trying to pull Jeonghan off. His breathy moans string together. Then his hand leaves Jeonghan's hair, moans cutting off, breath hitching as his body tenses under Jeonghan. His release coats Jeonghan's mouth, and it's difficult to swallow everything as he slowly slides his lips off of Joshua.

 

The back of his hand presses against his mouth, feeling cum dribble down his chin. He closes his eyes, wondering for a moment if Joshua will want to do more-if he should even ask. Jeonghan sits up, not bothering to glance at Joshua as he puts him back in his boxers. Jeonghan's face burns at the silence from the other. Maybe he went too far with making Joshua watch him like that. His own body enjoyed it a bit too much. Jeonghan can’t stand the silence between them, he cracks a smile, hand at the back of his neck.

 

“Feel free to give me a _Yelp_ review or something.”  He’s hesitant to look up.  “I'm always open to-”

 

His hand falls.

 

“Suggestions..”

 

Jeonghan trails off.  Joshua is sound asleep. He shakes his head, trying not to laugh as he starts to button Joshua's shirt. He’s kind of glad he could help Joshua sleep. It beats crying yourself to exhaustion, he supposes. Changing Joshua into something more comfortable might be too much, so Jeonghan gets out of bed. He picks the blanket up and drapes it over Joshua. Satisfied with doing that much. His face now relaxed, mouth parted slightly. Jeonghan watches him for a second, trying to rack his brain for any past opinions on Joshua's appearance. Joshua's lips are a nice shape, with an equally nice voice to match. His eyes are pretty, gentle and kind when they look at Jeonghan or anyone really. His hair is messy most of the time but it's cute and frames his face nicely. Jeonghan runs a hand through his hair, deciding this staring of his needs to stop.

 

He should really take care of himself now, but the idea of jerking off in Joshua's apartment, while he's here, doesn't sit well with Jeonghan. But, neither does doing it while Joshua is gone too. Jeonghan's screwed, and not the way he's wanting. He walks towards the door, wondering if coming back here after he changes would be weird. Jeonghan opens the door, switching off Joshua's light on his way out. He can't really remember much of what Joshua was like back in highschool. Jeonghan's never really pays attention to anyone unless they're apart of his everyday life.

 

He regrets not getting to know Joshua then.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

It took Jeonghan awhile to sleep. For one thing, he was in Joshua's bed and still somewhat hard. Jeonghan had changed out of his work clothes back into Joshua's hoodie and some shorts. He should really give it back to Joshua, but he's lazy and it's comfortable.

 

Everything about Joshua is.  

 

Maybe coming back to this room was weird, and maybe so was getting under Joshua's covers while the other only has a mere throw blanket. Jeonghan had justified this by a quick thought of whether or not Joshua would remember what they did in the morning. Jeonghan wants him to remember, so he came back. It took him awhile to sleep, a few hours alone with his thoughts to kept him up. His eyes didn't get heavy until after Joshua's room had gotten brighter.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

Thunder wakes Jeonghan up. The hard rain hitting against the window makes him frown. His hand closes in on Joshua's pillowcase. It feels different, warmer too. Jeonghan slowly opens his eyes, blinking away his sleep. He can only see white, realizing now that his forehead is pressed against Joshua's back. His hand in front of him, gripping at Joshua's shirt. Jeonghan closes his eyes, cringing at himself.

 

Joshua is still asleep. He slowly removes his hand, head moving back as he scoots up on the bed. Jeonghan can immediately feel the difference in temperature but he toughens it out. His backside is freezing, pillow too cold and the temptation to move closer to Joshua is there but short lived as Jeonghan firmly tells himself no. He's lucky to have woken up before Joshua, and silently says his thanks to the shitty weather. He closes his eyes, pulling the covers more over his body.

 

“Jeonghan..you awake?”

 

His hand grips the sheets, eyes clenching shut at the sound of Joshua's voice.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Rain continues to fall, filling their silence but Jeonghan is no longer grateful for it. He feels Joshua shift on the bed, and without even looking he knows Joshua is staring at him.

 

“Last night..why did you..?”  

 

Jeonghan listens to the other's voice trail off. Confusion is laced in Joshua's tone and Jeonghan is agitated more so with himself for thinking he could enjoy this a little longer without having to deal with the reality of his actions. He's had a lot of time to look back on this. Last night wasn't something anyone could easily grasp. It wasn't just a blowjob. Last night had meaning behind it, meaning Jeonghan didn't want to bother thinking about, but he did.

 

“Don't think so much about it.”  

 

His voice sounds as defensive as he feels. He isn't sure what he means, and it's probably clear on his face. What he’s said just adds more confusion. Jeonghan opens his eyes, gaze now on Joshua's hands that lie in the space between them.

 

“You didn't have to."

 

Joshua tells him quietly. Jeonghan wishes he didn't hear that. He couldn't picture how they'd be after last night, so he dismissed it as not being a big deal and then fell asleep. He can tell Joshua's looking at it all wrong. Jeonghan somewhat fears last night would be taken as a desperate attempt to still stay here by offering up his body. His mouth feels too dry, body getting colder as his gaze travels higher.

 

“I wanted to.”

 

Tone matching Joshua's, Jeonghan's hands twist at the blankets. He's afraid to see Joshua's reaction, so he closes his eyes. His skin feeling itchy, and he wants to move away. Get out before Joshua can say anything. He needs to say something because Jeonghan can’t take another second of hearing the rain. No jokes are coming to mind, and the ability to smile is forgotten. Jeonghan bites down on his lip. He pulls the blankets over his head, eyes opening slow at the muted light.

 

“I don't understand this either..”

 

His voice comes out weird and muffled, but he can't say this while looking at Joshua. He takes a deep breath, smiling to himself at the thought of Joshua being asleep and that's why he didn't say anything. He feels the other shift again, destroying that thought. He lets out a shaky breath, forcing himself to continue.

 

“I don't know what we're doing..or why I haven't just left.”

 

Jeonghan clenches his eyes shut, face burning. He hasn't had any thoughts of leaving, but he wishes he did. Joshua moves again, and he flinches when the other's hand is on top of the blanket, pulling it off of him. He's slow to open his eyes, already knowing he'll be met with Joshua being too close.

 

“Jeonghan.”

 

Joshua's over him somewhat, hand on the other side of Jeonghan and it feels like he's blocking a way out. He has to look now, has to see what kind of expression Joshua has on for him.

 

“What is this?”

 

Confused. Joshua's gaze looks clouded, brows furrowed and thinking way too hard. Jeonghan hates how honest Joshua is. It makes him feel like he's the only one hiding things. It makes him what to be just as honest.

 

“I don't know.”

 

What they've been doing needs to be talked about. This constant back and forth flirting, touching and sleeping with each other can't keep going on. Suddenly living together can't just be brushed off with a joke either. Jeonghan's pretty sure he doesn't want to have this be taken lightly. He wants to talk about it but talking is embarrassing and he sucks at it. Joshua does too, that's why they get along. That's why he feels so comfortable here. Why even as Joshua's looking down at him, hand now at his cheek like last night, he only feels a desperate pull to never leave this.

 

Joshua's warmth surrounds him, breath tickling at his skin. He feels calm, wanting nothing more than to pull Joshua down. Joshua stays hovering above him, lips so close to his. He wants to be kissed.

 

“Can I?”

 

He's scared. Jeonghan's too scared to move because he likes Joshua. He likes Joshua, and Joshua likes him back. At least, he hopes he does. There's really not much to make him think otherwise. It doesn't seem real, none of this does. It's too much. He needs time to think, time to really sort this all out. So, he turns his head, a grin on his face.

 

“After you brush your teeth.”

 

Joshua's head drops, pressing against his shoulder. His grin falters, listening to the heavy sigh Joshua lets out as he moves away.

 

“You could've said something earlier.”

 

Jeonghan feels Joshua sits up. He's smiling, but his gaze is heavy when Jeonghan has to courage to meet it.

 

“And have my heater turn off..? No way.”

 

He sits up with Joshua. His tone light and face calm. Joshua shakes his head, a small laugh leaving him.

 

“What's this obsession with being warm?”

 

The air feels light but he doesn't. Joshua glances at him once before looking down at himself. He pulls at his shirt, gaze flicking to his closet. Jeonghan pulls the blankets up more as Joshua gets out of bed.

 

“It isn't an _obsession_.” He rolls his eyes at Joshua's scoff. “I just hate being cold.” Jeonghan shrugs, bringing his knees up to his chest. More silence as Joshua stands by his closet, unbuttoning his shirt. His face feels warm, having to look away when the shirt falls to the floor.

 

“Why do you smoke?”

 

He just needs the conversation to keep going so he can forget about what happened.

 

“My parents hate it.”

 

Joshua's hands push back each hanger, the room coming alive with more sounds. Jeonghan thinks about this for a moment, frowning at the response.

 

“But you're hiding it?”

 

He isn't sure if that's correct, but Joshua's friends don't know. From what Jeonghan's grasped, Joshua's family isn't all that healthy and lacking in the communications department, but he still does what he's told. It doesn't make any sense.

 

“Not like they'd notice if i lit up right in front of them.”

 

Joshua's looking at him now, a shirt over his shoulder and Jeonghan can tell he doesn't want to talk about this.

 

“So why do it in the first place?”

 

He asks, and it's immediately clear that he's said something wrong. Joshua drops his gaze to the floor.

 

“Why do you give a shit?”

 

Jeonghan almost flinches. Joshua's angry, but at what? Jeonghan doesn't know and he can't stop his mouth.

 

“Smoking's really fucking stupid, Joshua.”

 

He states it in an obvious tone, not knowing what else to say or how to say it in a way that could change the direction this conversation is going. His body is tense, staring at Joshua. The other doesn't speak, so Jeonghan fills the silence.

 

“If they ignore you anyway, why are you trying to get back at them in a way that only hurts you?”

 

Joshua smiles then, almost like he's about to laugh.

 

“Don't you have work..?”

 

Jeonghan watches as Joshua pats down his pockets, obviously frustrated at not finding his cigarettes. He can feel himself getting angry, vision blurring.  

 

“Why, want me gone?”

 

He pushes back the blankets, getting out of Joshua's bed. He hopes that moving first will change Joshua's mind, make him backtrack and tell Jeonghan to stay. The other turns away from him instead.

 

“Yeah, I don't want to see you right now.”

 

Jeonghan closes his eyes, hands balling into fists.

 

“And why's that? Because I'm stating the obvious..?”

 

He glares at Joshua's back, fearing any response. Regret is present in his gut, yet he couldn't shut himself up.

 

“No, because we don't fucking know each other, Jeonghan.”

 

Joshua isn't yelling, but Jeonghan wishes he were.

 

“You've overstepped..just get out.”

 

He motions to the door, voice tired. Jeonghan feels numb, silently walking past Joshua. He leaves the room, closing the door behind him.  The apartment is dark, air smelling too clean and floors cold under his feet. Jeonghan lets out a shaky breath, hands wiping at his face.

 

Joshua said to get out, and Jeonghan wants nothing more than to do that.

 

*^*^*^*^*

 

In retrospect, Jeonghan should've at least put on his shoes. He should've grabbed his phone too. In front of Joshua's apartment is this garden area, a gazebo in the center of it. Jeonghan isn't even sure if you're allowed to sit here with how decorative it is. He didn't have anywhere else to go and coming down barefoot was bad enough. It can't be past three in the afternoon, but the sky is dark, tricking him into thinking it’s later. The rain hasn't let up, and Jeonghan has no idea how long he's sat here.

 

He hates this. He could've just gone to the room given to him, or waited on the couch. Joshua said to get out, not leave the entire building. It's kind of cold today, or maybe it's just him. Jeonghan leans back in his seat, hand outstretched. The rain is warm but he knows who'd be warmer. Jeonghan pulls his hand back, pushing down his sleeves. He should've changed too, finding it hard to distract himself from Joshua when he's all Jeonghan can smell.

 

It's getting darker, and Jeonghan can tell by the amount of traffic near that it's probably past five. Jeonghan glances around the gazebo one last time before he stands. The ground is too cold, and he really doesn't want to walk across the wet sidewalk barefoot. His eyes hurt from crying. So does his head. Everything hurts. He rubs at his eyes, steps slow. Jeonghan blinks back the blurriness, hand at a pillar. He holds out his hand again, the rain falling softer. There's movement at his side. Jeonghan can tell who it is without looking.

 

Joshua stands next to him, black umbrella at his side instead of being open. Jeonghan glances at Joshua's other hand holding his shoes. Without speaking, or even nodding to him, Joshua sets down Jeonghan's shoes in front of him. His hair is wet, shirt darkened and clinging to his body. Jeonghan wonders briefly where Joshua all looked for him. He stops thinking, stomach flipping because Joshua did look for him. He wants to say his thanks, but all he does is slip his shoes on, nails digging into the wood grain.

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

He can't wait for Joshua to speak first. He stands up straight, gaze meeting Joshua's.

 

“I did overstep and I was too blunt.”

 

His face is burning, voice sounding strange. Joshua just shakes his head no, staring ahead at the busy streets.

 

“I know I’m the only one getting hurt.”

 

Jeonghan studies his face. Joshua nods once to himself, a small smile gracing his lips.

 

“It's just...different, hearing someone else tell you instead of yourself.”

 

He runs a hand through his hair, laughing once. Jeonghan wants to fix his bangs back, suddenly reminded of how Joshua looked last night.

 

“I'm sorry I told you to leave.”

 

Joshua doesn't step closer, even though Jeonghan wants him too.

 

“It's your place.”

 

He shrugs him off, leaning more against the pillar. Joshua loses the smile, hand at the back of his neck.

 

“Technically it's my parents, the whole building is.”

 

Joshua's face is red, and he's still standing out in the rain. Jeonghan pulls at his arm, making him step inside. He let's go just as quickly, stuffing his hands in his hoodie pocket. Joshua looks up at the ceiling, gaze far away.

 

“I'm on my own but I'll never actually be away from them. Always on call to show up and hear them brag to their friends..”

 

His voice is quiet. Jeonghan hears him perfectly. He looks down at his feet. Joshua told him it wasn't always like this. He wasn't always rich and maybe his family was different too. Either way, it's none of Jeonghan's business unless Joshua wants it to be. He accepts this, but it's kind of frustrating to see how much it hurts Joshua. He wants to take all that pain away, but he doesn’t know how, so he can’t even try.

 

“Did you cry?”

 

Joshua asks him, stepping closer. His hand brushes up against Jeonghan's arm, making the other face him. He figured it was obvious, but Joshua didn't have to point it out. He puts on a smile, nodding while raising a hand to Joshua's face, cupping his cheek.

 

“Looks like you did too.”

 

He wipes under Joshua's eye. They're lined red and still glassy. Jeonghan gets lost in his stare, body moving closer. He wants to ask why Joshua cried too. Joshua leans into his touch, his own hand over Jeonghan’s. His gaze drops to Jeonghan's lips and Jeonghan almost forgets how to breathe. His hand moves, fingers now in Joshua's hair.

 

They look at each other in silence, ignoring the traffic and rain and anything else that would break into this bubble they've formed. It's just them right now. Jeonghan glances down, gaze flicking back up as he leans in. Joshua's nose touches his cheek and his eyes close. His breath smells of mint, it makes Jeonghan's head spin. He's hesitating, their lips barely brushing together. Jeonghan's still scared. He doesn't know what kissing Joshua will do, but, if he's being completely honest, he doesn't care. He just goes for it.

 

Joshua's lips are soft. He kisses back differently than Jeonghan thought he would. Joshua's the one who kisses back with more confidence, lips pressing harder against Jeonghan's. He feels warm hands at his hips, and then his back is being pressed against the pillar. Jeonghan's lips part, tasting more of Joshua. He moves his other hand to Joshua's back, shirt feeling damp and cold in Jeonghan's fist.

 

He wants to feel Joshua's tongue against his. Wants to know what Joshua's moans sound like from just a kiss. This is nice by itself though. Maybe too nice. Jeonghan's whole body craves to feel Joshua's. He wants to do more than this, or just this exactly for hours. His hand shifts, pressing one last kiss to the corner of Joshua's lips. He hears a small noise from Joshua. Either a breathy moan or sigh of disappointment from ending it this early. Jeonghan's legs feel weak.

 

The temptation for another kiss is right there, their lips still just a hair apart. He needs to see Joshua’s face. Jeonghan removes his hands from Joshua, feeling the other holding him still. He opens his eyes, leaning his head back. Joshua's hands start to leave him, but he quickly grabs at the other's sleeves. Joshua looks at him, his face flushed, wet hair falling over his eyes. His lips stand out against his skin, looking redder than usual. His body is somewhat trembling. Jeonghan can’t speak. He wants to ask Joshua what they're going to do now. His vision blurs, feeling Joshua step closer. He drops his head to Jeonghan's shoulder.

 

“I'm cold.”

 

His voice is muffled, hands moving to Jeonghan's lower back. Jeonghan smiles small, arms wrapping around his neck.

 

“That's my line.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> HhhhhhhhhHhhhh  
> i just really needed to write this, the first scene's dialogue was keeping me up at night and ye
> 
> soooo hi, thanks for reading and leaving kudos and comments if you did, i've always liked jihan but ive never rlly read them or wanted to write em but this just seemed to suit em?? idk it was fun to write but also i fuckin hated how long it took djsklafjsdl
> 
> anygay, srry if the summary sucks im very sleep deprived and also cannot summarize 
> 
> feel free to talk to me about this on my twitter [em_suny](https://twitter.com/em_suny)
> 
> happy pride everyone!! ^^


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